A Toni Tribute

Today is the day of Toni. The day that Toni graced the world with her presence. The day that Toni scored a perfect 10. In preparation for the day o' Toni's birth I did a little organization--something that Toni is a big fan of. The organization project that I took on was my very messy closet. Eight bags of clothes, three bags of shoes, one trip to Ikea and another to Goodwill later and this is what I ended up with:


Toni, thank you for inspiring me to be a cleaner person and Happy Birthday--to me you are a perfect 10 three hundred sixty five days a year!

P.S. Although May 9th is a ways away I also paided tribute to Tina today--I cleansed myself of clogs... four pair. Thank you for making me more fashionable Tina Phan.

No more midnight snacks...

Last night Ryan and I attended a graduation party for Jessie Andersen that was f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c. The food was also wonderful and satisfying, however, seeing as Ella and Madison were screaming as if their world was ending, we were forced to make an early exit and I was unable to revisit the food area for a second round. As a result I was a little hungry at about 11:30 last night. Before I went to bed I had some ramen and a Sprite (hey--pickings were slim at the Scholz household). At about 4am the babies woke up to eat and I told Ryan about the crazy dream that I had had:

Ryan and I were dating, although I was fully aware of the fact that we would get married and have twin girls. Ryan was mad at me and said, al-la Ross Geller, that he wanted to take a break. I said okay and, about a week later, while stocking our snack shack (yes, we owned and operated a snack shack at an outdoor amphitheater), I asked him if we could talk about it. Ryan got REALLY mad and said he couldn't look at me or he was going to lose it.

Of course he decided to look at me and proceeded to throw things (including knifes) at me. I knew that the only way to escape was to join the cast of the show going on in the amphitheater. Actually, it was more of a competition--men were supposed to dance with really odd looking women for as long as possible. The man who lasted the longest won. I joined the show as man (and no one batted an eye--great) and was paired with a woman named Lorena. Lorena was fairly normal looking... except for the penis growing out of the left side of her face. Oh-yes--a penis. And to top it off there was a little snake head poking out of the end of the penis that kept weaving from side to side and sticking its tongue out at me. Wonderful.

I finally escaped the amphitheater and, all of sudden, was at my family's house on the night before my wedding. Of course my family was Mexican, I had more brothers and sisters then I could count and I was not marrying Ryan. Of course. Also, I had decided to back out of my wedding but my family was still planning on holding the reception (to which I would wear my wedding dress) because they had already paid for the hall and all the food. Excellent idea.

After the wedding my Mom said I could just come back and sleep in my old room (which had four twin beds in it--I told you I had a lot of siblings). I convinced my Mom to let me stay in the honeymoon suite at the hotel because it was already paid for. The reason I wanted to stay in the honeymoon suite you may ask? Penis-snake face Lorena was staying in the same hotel and we were going to hang out.

After I arrived at the hotel I realized that Lorena was in the hospital wing (yes, this hotel had a hospital attached to it) because she was having her reptile/man-part removed. I went to visit her and found her missing from her room. I instantly knew that she has been killed by "them" (the infamous them were never fully revealed to me in my dream so I cannot elaborate... I know you are crushed). I also knew that, if I didn't move quickly, "they" would come for me as well. This is where Ryan, no longer crazy or at all mad that I was about to marry another man, came back into the dream. We ran into a cab and tried to make our escape.

About five minutes down the road I saw Lorena's Dad wandering the street. Yes, although I had never met the man, I instantly knew he was Lorena's father (pretty good considering he didn't even have a tell-tale penis growing out of his left cheek). I asked the cab driver to stop so I could warn him that someone was coming to kill him. The cab driver did stop but then... dun-dun-dun... he locked the doors to the cab and shot Lorena's father. HE WAS ONE OF THEM! Not knowing what to do, but knowing that staying put would result in our eminent death, Ryan and I fought to escape. No such luck! The cabbie took us to the desert where there was a large semi-truck cargo bin waiting. Inside there were flats and flats of... lemons. He handed us a flat of oranges and shoved us inside. He told us that the fruit was sitting in the desert for a week to ripen. We would only have the oranges to tide us over (seeing as humans cannot eat lemons in Brittaney's dream world) until they came to move the fruit to market. He explained that the oranges would not be enough and we would die before they came to pick up the fruit. He closed the door to the cargo bin and... Ella woke me up to tell me she was hungry. Alas, we will never know if Ryan and I made it out of the storage bin... but I do know that high sodium foods and soda are probably a no-no from now on.

Eavesdropping on Strangers: Grammar (In)correction

Warning: Toni and Grant, I am afraid that this post may put you into cardiac arrest... read on with caution.

Today I was at Target. Let me just say that, when it comes to eavesdropping, Target has proved to be the mother ship.

This little encounter occurred between a mother and her 5 year old daughter.

Daughter: Mom, I really want you to come look at this shirt. I just saw it over there.
Mother: I just seen it over there.
Daughter: Oh, sorry... I just seen it over there.

If children are the future, this little child is the future student of remedial English. Good times.

Why I'm mad at my Mommy: A guest post by Ella Meyer

Ladies and gentlemen, my parents may post pictures of my sister, Madison, and I. They may claim that they love us both equally. To this I say--LIES! Why do I say this you may ask? I make this claim because I have been getting the short end of the stick lately and I'm convinced it is not an accident. May I present my case:

1. Mommy was putting me in the car seat the other day and "accidentally" bumped my head on the handle. Madison went into her car seat unscathed.

2. Daddy cut my fingernails last night and clipped my perfectly good thumb tip off. Please see photographic evidence below. Madison was happily eating at the time and was not subjected to any nail cutting--let alone fingertip decapitation.

3...and this is where it all became clear to me... Mommy was trying to be "nice" by carrying me around in the baby Bjorn while Madison took a nap. It was all a very pleasant, parent-baby bonding experience until my eyes started to burn and my world went blurry. Seriously Mom, you could have picked a better time to chop an onion.

I know parents say they don't have a favorite but I would like to take this moment to say that my parents are no such guardians. They love my sister more--of this I am convinced. Now I don't even feel bad about kicking her in the head for 9 months.

Love, Ella Meyer

Oops...

This is why I refuse to cut the babies' nails. Daddy says he is sorry Ella.

Three Fun Things...

Now that I stay at home with babies my life has taken a very domestic turn. Because of this, I haven't had much to blog about. I mean, I know all of my loyal fans are interested in things like spit-up, long nights and unbelievable large quantities of poop (seriously, how does that much volume come out of someone so small?), but I have decided not to post about such interesting occurrences. Therefore, I have been shy of material... until today. Today I have three fun things to share:

1. Ryan and I have been searching for daycare and, completely by accident, we stumbled upon the scariest childcare establishment in all of Northern California. Why scary you may ask? Oh--let me share with you:

This establishment, which will go unnamed, was located in a rather sketchy part of town... right down the street from a KFC where three cop cars were parked. Perhaps they were just fueling up with some fried chicken goodness you might say. Um, not unless buying chicken requires blazing lights and hand-cuffs, just saying. Also, the center was located in a converted house--the kind of house you would not go trick or treating at if you catch my drift. The paint was pealing, the bushes were over grown, the "grass" was a nice shade of brown and the I'm pretty sure the neighbors had bars on their windows. Intrigued? Well, if you go looking for this childcare center you may not be able to find it. This is because they have no sign... that is an actual sign. Instead they have their name and advertisements like, "Infant Programs!" and "Open Enrollment!" painted on the windows in poor handwriting with blue paint. As if this was not enough they also shared a fence with a Quickie Mart behind them. Awesome.

2. SPAM is fun. I have been clearing out my spam folder lately and occasionally I stop to read some of the messages I get. Besides the fact that I am a Walmart giftcard winner at least 12 times a day I have also been offered the opportunity to get my college degree and become a certified police officer! Whew-hew! To think that I was contemplating staying at home with the babies when I could be an educated women of the law that spends her free time on shopping sprees at Wally-World!

3. Perhaps the best little bit of news that I have to share with you all today... this morning I put on... oh wonderful day of days... a pair of jeans that had nether an elastic waist nor a full panel of spandex. No one shall know the glory of this day until they have spent months of their life in the same pair of pants. Pants that were worn so much, and stretched so far, that the sides actually had to be resewn. Today I say goodbye to you my faithful, full paneled friend. We had some good times together and I will miss you. May you rest in peace beside the empire waist shirts and extra-large underwear of days gone by.